Halfway There

Word count, more gratitude, and the limits of self-belief

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I’m so glad you’re here.

Dream Big is about my writing journey. Approximately every two weeks, I post about: finding writing in my 40s, embracing a creative life, writing my first novel, and the everyday moments that inspire me as I juggle family life and my dreams of becoming a published author.

Thank you for reading. One of the best ways to support writing you enjoy is to share it. So by all means…

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A friend recently asked me about my writing, and I shared I had officially broken 40,000 words on my novel that morning. With a target of 80,000 words, that puts me officially halfway! Without knowing how long this draft will actually be, I am nearly at the midpoint of the story; the pacing seems about right and, overall, it feels like a significant milestone.

With a radiant smile and a high five, my friend applauded not only my progress but also the ferocity with which I’m going after my goal. When she asked, “What do your kids think?” I smiled because, just days earlier, my ten-year old observed my word count chart (for new readers, I track my word count on a large chart in my kitchen, and post a weekly update on Instagram @mhanleywriter), and said, “Mom! You’re almost halfway! I think that deserves a celebration!” He followed that with the chorus of “Livin’ on a Prayer,” which made me very proud.

I told my friend that the only thing fueling me is self-belief—and perhaps compulsion, I realized later. It’s a job that no one is waiting for me to complete, yet I must tend to it on the premise that my work is important. At its core, my reason for tackling this behemoth of a project seems nothing more than a gut feeling that I can see this story through, but a bad writing day can shake my conviction.

Doubt is a regular visitor to this process, each time presenting respectable reasons to call the whole thing off, such as the energy required to parent three kiddos; the looming threat of rejection or, even worse, not finishing; and, my favorite, that writing is very hard.

Deep breath, exhale. How many times have I looked the other way, telling myself, “Nope. I’m doing this”? A rough draft of a novel is exactly that, and sometimes mine feels rife with holes and clunkier than I imagine…but it is prettier than half a draft, and much nicer than no draft. So I push forward.

And yet, I realized after that conversation that something was amiss with this notion that I run purely on self-belief. Self-belief may have fueled me when I first started writing, and maybe the moment I imagined myself capable of penning a novel, long before I laid a word on a blank page. 

But now, 40,000 words later, this couldn’t be further from the truth. From the moment I felt brave enough to share my goal, friends and family have asked questions, cheered me on, nudged me forward, and lifted me up when I’ve doubted myself.

“A novel? That’s awesome!”

“Oooh, I’m excited!”

“I can’t wait to read it!”

“You can do it.”

“You’ll get there.”

“Trust the process.”

“Look how far you’ve come!”

“The words will come.”

“You can absolutely do this.”

Sometimes, it is less encouragement and more a general attitude. In many conversations, I have tried to cushion the shock of my endeavor, the imagined “You’re doing what?” moment. Perhaps that has happened once or twice, but usually the only one who ends up shocked is me—by the acceptance, excitement, and enthusiasm for my goal.

I have written before about endurance running and the stamina required to see a story through. Those runners begin with a belief that they can go the distance, fueled certainly by physical conditioning and likely a good dose of confidence, but they do not run a race alone. Supporters line their route, crowds building progressively toward the finish line. Fueling stations offer fluids and energy gel, and when those runners’ legs turn to jelly, spectators cheer even louder while fellow runners shepherd each other over the finish line. 

Similarly, we often hear authors describe their books as “babies,” a term that captures the care and nurture with which a writer tends to their story, from the first drops of inspiration to a finished draft, but also the intense labor involved in “birthing” a book. Acknowledgements often go on for pages, crediting many people who contribute along the way: agents, editors, readers, coaches, but also those who come before any of those “official” people get involved. Like the birth of a baby, a book is a labor of love, witnessed and aided by many along the way, long before it launches.

In a lovely twist of timing, I celebrated half of my targeted word count on Mother’s Day. As my family showered me with extra love and my favorite See’s chocolate, I realized that without their steadfast support and belief in me, I don’t think I could do this. It would simply be too hard.

Yummy!

And to everyone else in my world: beautiful friends who ask how the writing is going, who know what I’m working on and take me seriously; readers I haven’t yet met, but feel like I might sort of know; and anyone who has ever taken the time to read my work, you have a part in my process, whether or not you know it.

I’m resting for a moment at this halfway point while I get my bearings on my story and the path ahead. Life is busy, with school ending and summer on the horizon, and the energy of my household is shifting as it does every year around this time. I have a feeling writing this second half may be more uphill than down, but I’m ready.

I believe I can, and I believe I will, finish this draft. In those moments when my belief wavers, I won’t have to hope there’s support up ahead. It’s already here in abundance, and the story will be better for it.

Thank you, as always, for being here.

P.S. Because how could I not include this? Trust me, the hair alone is worth the four minutes.